Good advice

Is easy to give but not always so easy to heed. The put up and shut up is hard at the moment, I wanted to go back to work but didn't want to mess people around so I talked to my family and friends about their views on the subject. The general consensus was going back would be hard but it'd probably be good for my head, that I agreed with so off to the GP's I went to ask for a bit of an extension to my sick note and five minutes later I came out having been signed off for 4 more months. B*gger.

Not quite the result I'd hoped for but I have quite a bit of respect for the GP that I saw and when all's said and done I could get myself signed back to work early anyway. I spent the next two hours at work chatting to folk and drinking tea and passing on the news of my less imminent return which most people seemed to be disappointed with which I'll take as a compliment, either that or they're short staffed.......

Over the rest of the week though the GP has proved to be more right than I would have been. It took me a day of sleeping and doing very little to get over the visit to school. The slightest little thing can make me cry, every ache and pain be it from sleeping funny or dad dancing on the wii is blown out of all proportion. I have to be careful not to snap at the kids and Wend when I'm tired and it's very evident that if I'd gone back to school it would have taken very little for me to either have been in tears or ripping someone's head off, kids or staff alike. So my head's probably not in the best place for a return to work!

All this stems from not knowing. The radio therapy consultant was happy to say that I'm in remission, but without any proof. I like the optimism but I need proof, I need a fat lady singing with pom poms and a big fat ct/pet scan showing that the little bar steward is dead. Why they have to be fat I don't know but they just do.

In a bid to sort my head I visited the Cavendish Centre which is a charity based in Sheffield to help the families of and the sufferers of cancer. I wanted a fix, a magic wand waving and there we go your head is now as normal as it ever was........

I didn't get a fix, no magic wand and no normal head but to be honest I think I was a little unrealistic with my requirements! What I do have is a course of acupuncture starting in a week or so's time which I'm hoping will help my energy levels and possibly my breathing, I think it's unfair to ask if they can cure cancer, it may already be dead.

As ever it's my loved ones that are suffering the most. They suffer my moods, which aren't really anything new but at least I have something to be moody about now! On top of which they have their own worries and fears. They, as do I, worry what the scans will bring. Good news or bad, no more treatment or treatment which is probably more invasive and longer lasting. Who knows.

The only thing I know is that I couldn't have made it this far without my wonderful family and friends and the amazing strength that Wendy gives me every day. Every day the girls are well dressed and smart and ready for school, their bags packed with whatever they need and their dinner money in little envelopes. Any letter from school has been read and filed in the appropriate place, forms signed and returned. The milk man has been paid and the washing machine is full again. The house is clean and tidy and the food is fabulous. Top it all off with being a very professional nurse in a specialist hospital. It's this determination and strength to keep things normal that has helped me the most, it inspires me and stops me from being too much of a mardy arse. I love you Wend.

Put up and shut up.

It's been odd writing about Christmas and the New Year, it took about four goes before it flowed. I don't read this stuff back it just comes out of my fingers and through the keyboard. I know when it flows and when it doesn't and don't bother trying if it's not flowing.

It was hard because it's a weird emotional time at the moment, waiting for the scans and a consultation which will hopefully give us the news that we want to hear. It became harder today, because of the radiotherapy I can't have a PET scan until the end of February, making my appointment on the 29th of January less than useful!

I don't know where I stand, I feel ok but I get tired quickly, I have been out on my bike and enjoyed it but get breathless easily and my head is great ninety percent of the time. Pants for the other ten percent but hey I'll take 90:10. My breathing is weird, most of the time it's brill but when I lay on my right side when I'm going to sleep it sounds either like I've a clarinet reed stuck in my throat or a kitten up my backside! So I don't lay on my right, it's not the end of the world.

How do I work the next two and half months, I want to go back to work and it'll be a conversation I'll have with work this week. I'm scared of going back to work as I haven't been for ages, I haven't used any skills I'd built up. I'm not sure where all my files are, are the kids going to respond to me, are the staff going to respond to me. Will I remember peoples names, staff and kids, will I be able to shout (if needed!), will I be physically capable of doing a full day, will I be mentally capable of doing the job that I love?

Or do I sit at home and get myself fitter, physically, get my files in order and plan for my return to work?

I wish it was simple, but it's not. I wish in a way that the cancer had been operable and some hot shot with some of Sheffield's finest steel in his hand could have chopped the little furball out. That would suit my head, problem, solution, sorted. But it wasn't to be like that so it's a case of deal with what's in front of us and live our life to the full until something tells us not to. Put up and shut up.

O! So wots occuring?

Happy new year.

We had a great Christmas with Ma and Pa and Viv and Dave and all the girls, Georgia, Carys, Daisy and Lola. It was always going to be an emotional day and it was but there was no walking out or me being odd, no more than usual anyhow!

Wend and I woke up first on Christmas day morning, age and the male bladder is not a good mix. Wendy was just excited, a few loud coughs and some giggling (from us) and down the girls came. A bit bleary eyed but the eyes told the story of excitement and anticipation. Has he been? Did he leave anything......?

It's been the same since George could walk, I'd go downstairs and check and then call them down. An embarrassment of riches awaited them, no coal for either of them, they're excellent kids and enjoy the little things that santa brings. There's as much excitement about a journal or a note pad as they are about their one big present. Georgia had a micro Scalextric and Carys, true to form a Barbie house.

We had a lovely time at mum and dad's, family and food, gifts and gratitude.

Food and family

For new years we traveled to Wales. Due to the weather forecast being snow and more snow we used the motorways. I have a deep felt gratitude that I'm not driving up and down the country day in day out like some poor fools.

The next couple of days were spent eating, drinking, watching Gavin and Stacey and being merry. Last year on new years day Jacob and I survived the sea for charity, this year I wanted to do it again. Standing on the beach surrounded by like minded nutters was an experience I'll not forget and I will one day do again. This year was not to be, I wanted to but I heeded the words of Belinda, don't put Wendy through more stress than she's already going through. When you're fit and healthy yes, do it again but your body has to repair itself after the treatment's it's been through.

She was right, I live my life the way I want to and that includes not causing pain or suffering to my loved ones, except for the odd noxious gas that may escape sometimes.

It was an emotional time, Jason's dad has just started chemo for a Hodgkins Lymphoma and so it was with mixed emotions that we went round to see them. It's a weird situation to be in, you don't want to raise or dash hopes but I never want to gloss over something. All the way through MY journey it's been MY journey and I told Val and Geoff that this had to be Geoff's journey but my experiences were this that and the other. That way I felt true to myself but I could answer their questions, Wend remembered more than me and so was able to answer some questions. She also helped Val as Wend was my carer Val would be caring for Geoff so it's a far different perspective to look at.

It was also tiring, I did more and slept less than I have for months and it took it out of me by the end I was knackered. But that's not how I remember it, below is how I remember it, with the exception of the beer and curry that aren't shown!

Beautiful start number 1. Bring on 2010.

A beautiful start number 2.

Not quite a sponsored swim, it was warmer this year too!

When you get a surf board for Christmas it'd be rude no to use it!

1st Jan 2010......

What a difference 24hours makes!

George going forwards for once!

It's a style thing!

Anita laughing at Carys, Carys laughing at falling off, again.

An oofing big snowman and my first bike ride of 2010

Soup for the soul

Soup is one of those foods that can be many things to many people. It can be zingy and thin from the orient or it can be thick and warming from oop north or it can be the cosseting blanket that is heinz cream of tomato.

I like soup for all the variety it brings but also it's a simple pleasure, nowt complicated just soup, kind of like me. It does what it says on the tin.

Soup for the soul (ingredients may vary)

1 x Amazing wife

2 x Incredible kids

Wonderful Family

2 x Christmas shows

2 x Christmas discos

1 x Visit to school (my work)

20 x teenage lads (yes really)

Numerous colleagues

Loads of friends

Hugs (as many as can be fitted into the day)

1 x blog with a daft title

1 x Christmas panto

1 x It's a wonderful life at the cinema

A good pinch of snow and cold weather

Mix well and season to taste!

As you may have read before the Christmas wishes my head wasn't a lovely place to be, it still has it's shadows and they are as dark as ever but they're fewer than before. They have diminished because of the experiences I had just before Christmas. As a working parent you don't often get chance to go to the kids Christmas fairs or their assemblies or even just pick them up on their last day of term. I got all of this this year and I can confirm that while it was loud and the carols weren't always in tune it was brilliant. Seeing their faces in their tea towels and tinsel as they went up and sang their bit was magical. The excitement of the Christmas disco and friends coming to meet up and have tea. (not the incredibly tired and grumpy children we had the next day though!)

I love our kids, they make me laugh, they've made me cry too (Carys just after my vasectomy!) but 95 percent of the time they're a joy. This year they've been so good, accepting my lack of hair, energy and health with grace and a lack of fuss. Their faces on the last day were pictures of relief, happiness, excitement and tiredness. They have both worked so hard and are doing so well at school, it's very easy to be proud of them.

I decided to make some brownies for work, partly because my head is busier than it has been and being creative is good for me. But also partly to say a little thank you to some amazing people who have been so supportive to me over the last seven months. I thought about going in on the last day but decided not to. The last day of school is for the people who have been there working through whatever management or the kids throw at them. I didn't want to be reminded that I hadn't been there for so long, plus I wasn't sure I had the emotional energy to cope with lots of people in one place.

As I walked in to work one of the groups I was teaching saw me and promptly left their lesson! As I came in through the door I was greeted by the majority of the group, all wishing me well and saying hello and just being really kind. Some of these kids are not the easiest in the world to get on with and I know that some had come to see me as a way to get out of their lesson but the majority were there wish me well. It took me aback, the warmth of the greeting, the hand shakes, the high five and the pats on the back. I didn't stay long as I knew the emotions wouldn't cope for long and crying is possibly not what they expect me to do!

The rest of the visit was similar, kids saying hello and being excited to see me. Staff giving me hugs and smiles and just being so welcoming. I don't know what I expected but the warmth shown to me was overwhelming and will keep me going for a long long time. Seeing Belinda was tops too, it was great to be able to say thank you for her little comments on this blog. Seeing friends and colleagues who's lives are changing and moving on. Pregnancy or marriage or promotion but looking happy and properly contented. Catching up with Mrs Knowles, Chris has one of those laughs that if you could bottle it would stop wars and bring world peace. She sent me a card very early on telling me to think of her laugh, it was one of the many support mechanisms that kept me going through chemo. It's always good to be able to give Judith a hug too, as my first point of contact if I ring into school she often gets bad news before anyone else, good news too but it's always easier giving good news!

Wendy and I had the fortune to have a kid free night, thank you ma n pa, so we trotted off to town to the Showroom which is a small independent cinema that shows off the beaten path films. Having been for a meal in town we went and watch It's a wonderful life, a lovely Frank Capra film about a business man who does the right thing and never seems to gain from it. It all goes wrong for him and he contemplates ending his life when an angel is sent to save him. In the end he is reminded how loved he is and how many friends he has and it is these friends that give him wealth, not financial but a wealth way more important and rare than money. It was wonderful, funnily enough, to sit there and immerse ourselves in something so sentimental but so close to our hearts. Yes we've had an interesting year and hopefully we'll never have another like it, but we have so many really good friends and such supportive family that it has to be a silver lining to a heck of a cloud!

Walking back through town with my beautiful wife I couldn't help feeling lucky. I have found such friendship from some amazing people and great support from family, this could be enough to make me feel lucky. But the slender little hand that was in mine that night as we walked through the glistening streets of Sheffield reminded me so much of how lucky I am. To meet your soul mate is one thing but to have the fortune to marry her and have a family with her is something I will cherish forever.

I've had one of the best Christmas' ever and to share it with the people I love was so much more than mere words can express.

Soup for the soul is a dish best served hot, in a big dish with crusty bread and a glass of water. It'll warm you from the bottom of your feet to the ends of your fingers and right through your very being. You'll know when it hits the spot..........

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has a wonderful time with friends and family. Thank you for the support and the many many cards we've received.

I have all that I need and all that I want and I feel like the luckiest man alive.

Health (working on it), wealth (family and friends are my wealth) and happiness (if the girls make it to 7 am then I'll be happy, very surprised, but happy) to all.

Merry Christmas.

Love from Nick.

He's BEHIND YOU

Yes it's panto time again, as traditions go it's it's only been going a few years but how long to make a tradition? We round up the family and some friends and head off to the Lyceum in Sheffield for the afternoon showing of whatever. Sometimes the actors and acting is good, sometimes they're not. To be honest it doesn't matter, what matters is mad Geoff turning up in his bright red stetson (with white feather trim), riding the Supertram getting all sorts of funny looks, Shelly turning up and bringing food and cheer, Mum and dad and their slippers and Viv and Dave and their kids.

The tram ride is a always interesting with Geoff, I remember him tap dancing upside down on the ceiling but that's another story. Geoff looks more like santa than many shops santa's and is friendlier than them too. He laughs the loudest and the longest at the panto and although you have to translate Sheffieldish into Wigan it's a joy to see a grown man shouting HE'S BEHIND YOU at the top of his voice.

It's usually mum's birthday panto weekend so everyone comes back to ours and has food and chat and fun (hopefully). This year was no different except for the addition of a nintendo wii game thing, seeing mother virtual hoola hooping after a couple of glasses of wine was priceless!

This year for me was hard though, the tiredness side effect was kicking in about half five and emotionally I felt like I had demons creeping up behind me and my heart was screaming THEY'RE BEHIND YOU.

Demons come in different shapes and sizes for different people. For me they come in the shape of is this the last panto I'll go to, will the radio therapy have worked, will I remember how to teach when I go back, will I go back, will my fitness come back, how would Wend cope if this journey isn't over, how much more can my girls take, what if, what if, what if............

Logically none of the above questions can be answered without more evidence and therefore they're not worth worrying about. But when I'm tired and fed up and haven't the emotional or physical energy to keep up appearances they weigh heavy on the heart and I wonder if or when it'll break.

The umbilical cord

Has been cut. No more treatment. Nothing more until the 7th of January, only possibly side effects from the radiotherapy. The treatment continues to work for a couple of weeks after the actual being zapped.

It feels really weird now, sat at home on my own (all say aaar!) the kids are at school and Wendy is at work. If I hadn't been asleep all morning I would feel like a real slacker. I didn't sleep well last night but even so I have a feeling the radiotherapy is starting to have an effect on my stamina. If that's the only thing it effects then I'll be happy.

We had a good weekend, Viv and Dave invited us to go the the Santa Special at the Peak railway at Darley Dale. Now anyone who knows me will probably recognise that I'm not really a big one for the commercial side of Christmas and going to somewhere like Meadowhell to see santa fills me with dread but this was great. The Peak rail only runs from Rowsley to Matlock and is run mainly by volunteers and enthusiasts. I have the utmost admiration for people who have found something to dedicate their lives to, it may not be my thing but they do a great job and I love the engineering of a hulking great steam engine.

The volunteers have put on a great service, you get a short train ride on which they have entertainers singing and playing or doing magic or bringing drinks and mince pies. It's not polished and it's not corporate and it's brilliant because of that.

The kids have a special ticket which entitles them to a gift from 'Santa' and he comes along and sits with them and has a chat. It wasn't forced or uncomfortable but it was fun and enjoyable and yes Carys has been a good girl!

We all went back to mum and dad's after for tea but Georgia had been suffering with a flu/cold/tonsils/sore throat so Wendy and I took her home and left Carys to be brought home later by dad. As it happened I'd run out of energy as well so I got sent to bed to recharge before going out for a curry with the biking crowd.

As we walked into the pub I recognised a group of people sat in the corner. It was another group of friends that I sometimes ride with and they were going to the same curry house! It was great to see them especially as one of them has recently been diagnosed as having cancer! Luckily it's one the consultants are confident they can remove using surgery, unfortunately this involves cutting his head open! Dave is a great bloke and is fit and strong from biking and this will stand him in good stead for the operation. It's going to be scary and different and stressful, especially this close to christmas but he has some great friends around him and wonderful missus so he will be well supported. Cheers Dave, hope all goes well this week and the surgeon has neat sewing!

The curry was fantastic, 21 and a bit people turned up. The bit was Lois who is a couple of months old and behaved better than the rest of us! These were people who had traveled from as far afield as Bristol and Scotland, Hillsborough and Totley! It was for me a perfect night, just enough beer, plenty of banter and fine fine curry.

Now it's about sorting me out, getting fit, getting my work stuff in order, getting my head round going back to work and shouting at some kids. Getting back to being as normal as I ever manage.......The hair is back, the beard is back I just need the all clear then I'll be back. It's going to be odd not having treatment and managing my time, I must set myself a routine and stick to it because otherwise I'll drive myself daft(er).