That's today, to many it's just another day on planet earth, hoping for a vaccine hoping to see loved ones again and hoping beyond hope not to be part of the statistics.
I was hoping to celebrate this day, do something fantastic or luxurious. Just do something to celebrate having been in remission for ten years, did I mention it has been ten years?
I haven't blogged since 2014 when we lost an incredible woman, for some reason it hasn't felt right. Somehow I wanted a normal, maybe the normal I imagined or yearned for was BC before cancer. Funnily enough I almost feel that I'm at a place which is similar but different. There are days and weeks which cancer doesn't enter my thoughts, it's almost like it was someone else's story. There are times when, a certain scent of soap or the noise of a drip machine, I'm straight back on the ward being pumped full of stuff which is trying to kill the cancer but not quite kill me.
There are times when I get incredibly frustrated at not feeling fit or struggling to get fit. There are times when I am frustrated that my eyesight is not as good as it was or that I can't run as fast as my youngest daughter or I can't keep up with our eldest and her conversation. There are then moments when I think, blimey I feel like I'm getting old.
Mostly though, I feel utterly blessed that I have the option of getting old, with my amazing wife and kids. The opportunities to see them completing school and doing further education be it sixth form or university. Hearing that I am going to be a grampa, before I'm 50. Ooh 50, I'm highly likely to make it to 50, better not tempt fate but I'm living.
I'm living in a city I love doing a job which I could never have dreamed of, that I love. Living my best life, forget the insta-tube I'm loving my life. Love, luck, hard work and the NHS have got me this far.
From the outside I just look like a bloke and fairly big, fairly hairy bloke. I have two tiny scars, 3 dots tattoo'd on my torso and that's it for external marking. Internally I have no idea, other than I am probably carrying too much weight and I'm not as fit as I'd like to be. The fitness is a double edged sword, the time and effort I need to put in I also need to use recovering some times. I am sensitive to colds and flu, COVID scares the sh*t out of me but I am being sensible and trying to follow guidelines. I have a pituitary adenoma which means I have to use some hormone replacement therapy, that in turn makes me slightly more at risk of stroke or heart attack, neither of which are on my to do list.
The biggest scar is the one in my head, the one no one can see, the one I can't handle at times. The one which hurts when you least expect it to. I guess, although I've never been diagnosed, that I have some sort of PTSD. Whether that's right or not I don't know and as I suggested at the start I'm the luckiest so and so alive. I have no doubt I suffer with my mental health, whether it is related to having survived or maybe it's just me. Either way I have to keep doing, physically and mentally. If I get out of balance then I suffer as do the people I love as I can be a right miserable git.
Life has been incredible, I have coached a girls rugby team, I started playing rugby again at 47! (Retired at 48) I have traveled more than I ever dreamed I would, I have cycled (both muscle powered and petrol) and I have laughed.
We have a little motto, Love Laughter and Honesty. My wife is the most incredible woman, she gives me strength and love, she picks me up when I need it and keeps my feet on the ground when I am away with some hair brained scheme. She is also the mother of our wonderful girls, chalk and cheese but both amazing in their own ways.
We used to go to see It's a wonderful life at Christmas, a couple of years ago we stopped. Not because the film changed but it's meaning changed. I used to go and I would sob, I needed the film to bring things into focus. I was scared of letting go of what had happened, I was scared of looking to the future, daring to hope. Daring to live.
Now I live, I live my life, I cycle more than I did,
I have designed my next tattoo, we are talking about our next holiday, maybe even looking at the future (10-15 years).
I'm not religious but I am grateful. I am grateful to have the opportunity to live longer than I might have done.
