Saturday, October 2, 2010
It's been f*cking hardwork
Apologies for not posting before but it's been a bit up and down the last couple of weeks. Well a lot of down and lots of little heart shaped highs but mostly down.
They said this was high dose treatment and boy oh boy they weren't kidding. I can't put into words how it's felt as I have nothing to compare it with, it's so much worse than man flu it's just not funny. But when you're out of breath having walked to the toilet and showering means taking a nap after (there's a lot to shower but that's not the point!) to recover it's pants. Walking like a really old person shuffling my feet along didn't bring joy to Wendy's heart either.
I have no idea what I would have done without her unbelievable support. The love hearts are such an amazing thing to do, to have the idea and then go round people and ask for their thoughts or comments. But then she brought them a little at a time, not all at once just a few everyday and it's just been the highlight of my life. The things people have written are giving me an emotional strength that I didn't know existed. They've prompted some good outbursts of tears, cheers Jase you really know how to make a grown man cry!
It's been hardest for those few lucky enough to be visiting, Wendy, mum and dad. They have seen me at my lowest they have seen the days when I have slept and slept and slept. They have seen the blood drain from my face and the injections and the bags of chemicals going into someone they love. Which are there to kill off the most basic thing a human needs after food and water, their immune system. I'm lucky as ever because the nursing staff are looking after me, the doctors are trying to keep me alive and give me more life than no treatment would bring and if I sleep then I sleep and no one interrupts that except for injections or blood letting or observations.
I have had a good couple of days yesterday and today, I've actually drunk some fluids. Prior to this weekend my mouth was sore like the back of beyond. Most people know of the sensation when they've had a couple too many the night before and it feels like a budgerigar has moved in over night, well this little blighter had razor blades on the bottom of his feet. Not good, my mouth wouldn't open fully, speech was slow and slurred and it hurt like fucking hell. Sorry for the language but it did. The only people going near my mouth were the ones who could prescribe the good drugs, cocaine mouthwash was underwhelming as it happens!
My tummy has been a bit upset by the lack of foods, mind you it was very upset by the food it started out on, lets just say trumping has been a bit of a lottery..........I'll leave that for you to decipher.
The best day for me was Thursday. Wendy's birthday, although it would have been better waking up next to her in our bed in our house, it was fabulous seeing her dressed up to go out for lunch and I managed to time being a bit brighter with her visit. I just want to take the hurt from her heart and the girls hearts too, tie it to a rocket and launch it into space. Anyway she had a nice time and looked beautiful and the girls did a fabulous job of getting some surprises sorted for her, I'm so proud of them.
I don't want to make light of the last couple of weeks as I feel better today because it's been the worst couple of weeks of my life. But out of the worst weeks have come the best emotions, the most support the most admiration for human kind. The hearts have been a talking point for staff and myself and they've been a constant support when I wake in the middle of the night and I start to wonder. I read and I wonder no more.