Monday, November 15, 2010
The start of normal
Normal for us is being out in the peaks walking and scrambling and generally enjoying the great outdoors. So the first morning of the rest of our lives that's what we did. A gorgeous blue sky followed us all the way to Burbage where we walked under the gritstone cliffs and through the heather watching like minded folks enjoying the amazing scenery.
It was the first time we'd taken Bertie on the rocks and we needn't have worried, I think he's actually a grey hound/kangaroo/mountain goat cross rather than a pedigree Border Terrier. The way he scooted about and then bounced over the heather brought joy and amazement. I felt superb scrambling up the cliff to try and catch up with the girls, I couldn't have done it any quicker but I felt great and my heart wasn't trying to burst out of my chest as I'd expected. With few slips and slides and plenty of laughter we were back at the car ready for tea and medals at the local cafe.
This was the scene of my first welling, I could feel my eyes filling and my heart pumping. Looking at my amazing family, sat round eating toast and having their various drinks, we got here. Through it all, all the chemo, the scans the high's and the lows. The blue lights and the crappy food (in hospital), we'd got to the other side and I just felt an overwhelming pride in these three incredible people who I'm lucky enough to call my family. They'd carried on, going to school, walking the dog and keeping the house sorted and all being fed and watered and carrying on with life.
I kept it together, can't be sobbing in a public place! It took it out of me though and I felt flat for the rest of the day, the sobbing was stuck somewhere and it needed out but it's not like a spot that you squeeze it needs a trigger. Charlie was very nearly that trigger when he phoned from New Zealand, I wish I could have sounded happier but I had nothing left and I felt myself going but then the phone went dead. He rang back, it went dead again, he rang back muttering something about the hamsters weren't running hard enough! It was enough though for me to lose my train of thought and for the sobs to remain stuck, probably to Charlie's relief!
They came at Sunday tea, we'd had a lovely day going to the park with Viv and her family and then chilling, watching the rugby and just pottering round home. I'd taken the hound for another walk just round the block but I felt capable and really enjoyed the feeling of the air in my lungs and the warmth in my legs. So we're sat round having had a beautiful roast chicken and were just tucking into some pudding when they came. Wendy saw them coming and I tried in a way to stave them off but they came anyway. This time I knew why, I was looking at George and thinking how grown up she's becoming how much has changed since the start of round two. How fabulous it was to take the girls to a restaurant on Friday and the way they behaved. How I'm going to get to see them grow some more, this is it, I get to see my family blossom and grow. Whether I agree on boyfriend choices or come out with the immortal line 'You're not going out dressed like that' I don't know and to be honest I don't care because unless I get knocked over by a bus (other forms of mortality available!) I'm going to live more than was expected. The feeling that my life is extended is weird and wonderful at the same time, I just don't want to mess it up.