Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Am I so transparent?

Writing a blog has been a fascinating process for me, being honest with my feelings but not pushing my opinion, it's been massively emotional for me and an incredible release. Reading the little comments has been a boost as well, it's been a real support to us knowing people are out there rooting for me.

Reading Gwyn's comment on the last post was like looking into my head which was weird! I'm not known for my patience but I, mistakenly, thought that I was hiding my desire to be back to normal! Obviously not.

It's been a strange couple of weeks with some real highs and some mind focusing lows. The low's have mostly been due to an inane ability I have to look at the negatives, sometimes I just get caught into a spiral of negative thought. Why I don't know, how I break that spiral is never clear to me until Wendy points it out, I have to break a cycle. Usually it's a physical thing with me, go for a walk or go in the cellar and hit stuff, it's a combination of busy head and a body that isn't ready to do all the things I want it to! The recent spiral was broken with a mixture of walking the dog, doing my physio rehab and also sorting some paperwork out. Now this last one is a new one for me but I found it very rewarding, even though it took me a full morning to fill in a form and write a letter!

I called in to work last week and had a wonderful time for a couple of hours, then I crashed and just had to leave. It was as quick as that, one minute happy and chatty next minute I'm quiet and focussed on leaving. It was weird but it was also a good sign that my head isn't anywhere near ready for going back, that said it was fantastic to see staff and kids alike and the positive vibe that the majority of kids gave me was brilliant.

Physically I'm getting much better, it's unusual now that I sleep in the day, my hair is trying to come back (everywhere, which is surprisingly nice). I've been playing in the snow today of which we have a ridiculous amount (14inches) which has been fab. Playing, throwing snow balls, sledging, building a little igloo/snow tunnel and rugby tackling people all without getting out of breath or having to give up five minutes in is just incredible considering I've only been out of hospital for two months.

This is a fact I have to hold onto. I'm lucky like a lottery winner, talking to a guy at the physio sessions he was in isolation for six months, having infection after infection. He went from 16 stone to 10 and has lost so much muscle tone he has to walk with a stick to save him falling all the time. He doesn't seem to want sympathy but he just wants to be normal, I guess that's a common theme with people who've been through an experience like we have.

My normal is being a dad and a husband and a teacher who bikes and runs and does stuff. As it goes I feel like I'm getting there with the husband and dad bit, I so want to be teaching again it makes me ache but first I need to be fit, physically and mentally. So, Gwyneth, I'm going to take Nick size small steps...........way slower than I'd like but probably better in the long run.

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