Wednesday, May 5, 2010


The scan came through all clear. The thoughts on the arm is that it may be tennis elbow! My chest feels funny and my breathing isn't what it was but the consultants listened to my chest and it's all clear and the suggestion is that it's the side effects from the radio therapy still making themselves known.

I guess it's been an emotional time as everything felt like it was going so well and that I could get on with life all hunky dory. But it scared me, it scared Wend as well, it scared George and Carys and mum and dad. I've never been so convinced that I was going to die. It's a pants feeling really, all I could do was think about how Wend and the girls would cope and what music they'd play at my funeral and could I have an eco coffin etc etc etc. All the stuff that a morose self pitying hypochondriac thinks.

Well stuff that. I need to find the fine line between symptoms and side effects and I need to listen to my body and how it's responding to the gradual process of recovery but I need to live. I need to let go of the ghosts that sit with me in any waiting room, as though I'm going through chemo again. Let go of the feeling that my body isn't quite doing what I expect it to. We learned today that treatment can age your body by 10 years! Bugger. Anyway this 48 year old body is going to get fit and get back to work and get back on with enjoying life rather than existing, afraid of any ache or pain.

I need to do it sensibly and I need to do it once. We want boring from now on. No more excitement, no more appointments, no more waiting rooms. Lets chill out, live life and be as normal as I get for as long as possible.


  1. Phew indeed Nick - thank goodness - wonderful news!
    What a worrying wait you have had.
    Your my age now then, could be worse could be Mad Geoff's age!
    Hopefully now you will have a little more patience with the delightful baby Bertie!!
    Lots of love to you all,
    Sarah XXXX

  2. OMG what fantastic news - you looked so frail this week I didn't know what to say when I saw you sorry if I twittered on. How happy and relieved you must all be feeling Im so so happy - WE ARE so so happy cos all the family feel they know you - XXXXX