Friday, October 30, 2009
The man from radiotherapy, he say YES
Not that there was much pressure on the consultation yesterday but for me it could have been the beginning of the end. Having been told on Tuesday that Radiotherapy was only a possibility was like taking a safety net out from under me. It clarified my mind, gone were all the thoughts of going to Sweden for Charlie and V's wedding, the wondering if my girls grow up happy and contented, how Wendy would be and if I could stay as a ghost and protect them!
I don't think I've been close to death, I have a healthy respect for it as you're dead for a really long time, but I don't feel scared of it. I do feel scared of leaving people though and not seeing them or holding them close. Important people, family and friends. Listening to their laughs and conversations or seeing their faces as they tell stories about their day. I feel scared of leaving the world as well, I love the feeling of the sun or the wind or the rain or the mist or the snow on my face. The feeling of the early morning air filling your lungs as you cycle to work on a crisp and cold autumn morning, how it hurts but then becomes the norm and it wakes you better than any coffee ever ground. Seeing the leaves turn in the autumn and then reappear in the spring.
We have amazing lives, an amazing world to live in and I felt like I was going to miss it. Then Dr Thanvi said there shouldn't be a problem with giving me radiotherapy. I'm sorry can you just run that by us a again.........Radiotherapy is good to go, Houston we no longer have a problem. I started to smile and Wendy just looked like a ten ton weight had risen from her shoulders. We went through the side effects, 1 percent increase chance of cancer in about 20 years time, hey if I get 20 more years then that's a huge bonus. The way I was feeling that morning if he'd said 5 years more then I'd have taken that so 20 well lets just say I bought a lottery ticket!
You know sometimes when you meet a person you're going to get on with and Dr Thanvi is one of those people. Straight talking and immune to my jokes (amazing as that sounds), he showed us my PET scan and where the furballs are. He went through how they are going to zap the little bar stewards and how it may effect my lungs but as I'm young and healthy, I like him all the more for that, it should have minimal effect on other tissues. He also asked if I could have a scan done there and then which he organised and it felt like we were doing something again, we were starting a new chapter. Rather than it being the beginning of the end it was the beginning of a new start.