Monday, January 25, 2010
Is easy to give but not always so easy to heed. The put up and shut up is hard at the moment, I wanted to go back to work but didn't want to mess people around so I talked to my family and friends about their views on the subject. The general consensus was going back would be hard but it'd probably be good for my head, that I agreed with so off to the GP's I went to ask for a bit of an extension to my sick note and five minutes later I came out having been signed off for 4 more months. B*gger.
Not quite the result I'd hoped for but I have quite a bit of respect for the GP that I saw and when all's said and done I could get myself signed back to work early anyway. I spent the next two hours at work chatting to folk and drinking tea and passing on the news of my less imminent return which most people seemed to be disappointed with which I'll take as a compliment, either that or they're short staffed.......
Over the rest of the week though the GP has proved to be more right than I would have been. It took me a day of sleeping and doing very little to get over the visit to school. The slightest little thing can make me cry, every ache and pain be it from sleeping funny or dad dancing on the wii is blown out of all proportion. I have to be careful not to snap at the kids and Wend when I'm tired and it's very evident that if I'd gone back to school it would have taken very little for me to either have been in tears or ripping someone's head off, kids or staff alike. So my head's probably not in the best place for a return to work!
All this stems from not knowing. The radio therapy consultant was happy to say that I'm in remission, but without any proof. I like the optimism but I need proof, I need a fat lady singing with pom poms and a big fat ct/pet scan showing that the little bar steward is dead. Why they have to be fat I don't know but they just do.
In a bid to sort my head I visited the Cavendish Centre which is a charity based in Sheffield to help the families of and the sufferers of cancer. I wanted a fix, a magic wand waving and there we go your head is now as normal as it ever was........
I didn't get a fix, no magic wand and no normal head but to be honest I think I was a little unrealistic with my requirements! What I do have is a course of acupuncture starting in a week or so's time which I'm hoping will help my energy levels and possibly my breathing, I think it's unfair to ask if they can cure cancer, it may already be dead.
As ever it's my loved ones that are suffering the most. They suffer my moods, which aren't really anything new but at least I have something to be moody about now! On top of which they have their own worries and fears. They, as do I, worry what the scans will bring. Good news or bad, no more treatment or treatment which is probably more invasive and longer lasting. Who knows.
The only thing I know is that I couldn't have made it this far without my wonderful family and friends and the amazing strength that Wendy gives me every day. Every day the girls are well dressed and smart and ready for school, their bags packed with whatever they need and their dinner money in little envelopes. Any letter from school has been read and filed in the appropriate place, forms signed and returned. The milk man has been paid and the washing machine is full again. The house is clean and tidy and the food is fabulous. Top it all off with being a very professional nurse in a specialist hospital. It's this determination and strength to keep things normal that has helped me the most, it inspires me and stops me from being too much of a mardy arse. I love you Wend.