Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Put up and shut up.
It's been odd writing about Christmas and the New Year, it took about four goes before it flowed. I don't read this stuff back it just comes out of my fingers and through the keyboard. I know when it flows and when it doesn't and don't bother trying if it's not flowing.
It was hard because it's a weird emotional time at the moment, waiting for the scans and a consultation which will hopefully give us the news that we want to hear. It became harder today, because of the radiotherapy I can't have a PET scan until the end of February, making my appointment on the 29th of January less than useful!
I don't know where I stand, I feel ok but I get tired quickly, I have been out on my bike and enjoyed it but get breathless easily and my head is great ninety percent of the time. Pants for the other ten percent but hey I'll take 90:10. My breathing is weird, most of the time it's brill but when I lay on my right side when I'm going to sleep it sounds either like I've a clarinet reed stuck in my throat or a kitten up my backside! So I don't lay on my right, it's not the end of the world.
How do I work the next two and half months, I want to go back to work and it'll be a conversation I'll have with work this week. I'm scared of going back to work as I haven't been for ages, I haven't used any skills I'd built up. I'm not sure where all my files are, are the kids going to respond to me, are the staff going to respond to me. Will I remember peoples names, staff and kids, will I be able to shout (if needed!), will I be physically capable of doing a full day, will I be mentally capable of doing the job that I love?
Or do I sit at home and get myself fitter, physically, get my files in order and plan for my return to work?
I wish it was simple, but it's not. I wish in a way that the cancer had been operable and some hot shot with some of Sheffield's finest steel in his hand could have chopped the little furball out. That would suit my head, problem, solution, sorted. But it wasn't to be like that so it's a case of deal with what's in front of us and live our life to the full until something tells us not to. Put up and shut up.