Wednesday, June 16, 2010

In search of me.

Before cancer I felt on top of the world. my job was going well, my fitness was the best it had ever been including being a kid and my work life balance felt amazing. Wendy and I had time together, we had time with and without the kids and I had some time just being me.

I felt like I was chilled, that anything could come my way and I could work through it. I laughed at people cutting me up in the car and everything would be done when it was done. It felt brilliant.

After cancer I was trying to be that person, but that person had a routine of job and sport and family which I didn't have. But gradually I got more and more angry and crosser and crosser. At nothing in particular. The slightest little car incident would have me blowing the horn or gesticulating about the other person's inability to drive. The kids and Wendy were getting short shrift for no reason other than I could and the dog learned to stay out of the way!

It all came to a head recently when we'd been to see Wendy's Gran. She's the traditional matriarch and a lovely woman but she'd had a stroke recently and then we were all going over for her 90th birthday. We went over on the Sunday before going back to school and I just got so wound up that I was mean and sarcastic and just not the person I aspire to be.

Wendy let me know, there's only so much someone can take and she's taken way more than anyone should. We had a frank discussion and I have to find how to be Nick Hart before cancer again.

Walking round school I was in a real mess, if home isn't right then nothing is right. Talking to people helped I hope I didn't bore people as I try to leave things at home but I am a bit of an open book and people tend to know my emotions half way down a corridor sometimes.

I spoke to Belinda my little goddess of honesty and straight talking and she suggested flowers and /or chocolate. It had been ages since I had bought Wendy flowers and the girls had never had any so roses (flowers not chocolates) it was.

Bertie is a fabulously rubbish guard dog until you're trying to walk in with bunches of roses for the ladies you love. Sometimes words come and sometimes they don't, I gave the girls their single rose each and explained that I'd been so proud of them and that I don't feel like I've been a very good dad this last year. Not my fault I know but I should have been better. It set the waterworks off I was crying the girls were crying Wend was crying and it was such a release. Such a release of emotion of thoughts of nick after cancer. It was my starting point.

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