Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Naivety got me through last time.

So I'm going with it this time too. When you have an incredible health service as we do they build up a booklet fetish. These booklets are produced by well meaning professionals in order that the patient has time and information and all the answers they want about their own particular procedure or situation. Unfortunately being a bloke I don't read instruction manuals until I'm stuck or have bits left over at the end!

Part of me is also a massive hypochondriac who if I've heard of a symptom will suffer it or will at least think I'm suffering it! So I'm going to stay blind to many of the symptoms and situations and experience them for me for the first time and then probably write about it on here to get it out of my busy head. Naive, yes. Best way of doing it, not sure but as I haven't done this before it's all a bit of a stumble in the dark.

My head is busy with things like the girls going to Wales for the summer. They'll have a fab time with love and laughter and a fair amount of ice cream thrown in. Anita and Jason's place is a home from home for them and is a wonderful house for kids to be in, loads of fun and noise and space to run around in. I'm going to miss them like I can't describe but I can't think about that, they have to keep living and being in Sheffield visiting me looking probably not very well isn't my idea of a fun summer for them. Wendy will have time in Wales and then come back here, again being here if I'm in isolation is going to be less than fun for her. Yes I always feel better when she's in sight, anything is possible while I can be with her and the worries fade away holding her hand but I want her to live too and living doesn't have to be rubbish it should have a balance.

Physically at the moment I don't feel too bad, my skin is a bit of a mess, bit like some of the kids I teach but not too bad. My guts are suffering as is Wendy's nose. I'm noted for being able to clear a room but this is ridiculous! I'm tired too but hey there's a fair amount of rubbish in my body dancing about trying to kill stuff so I have to bear that in mind when the urge to get on my bike starts over riding the lethargy in my legs. When you have been relatively fit and active the need to move can be frustrating to say the very least. My appetite is good and although I'm still on steroids I'm trying not to eat too much as I don't want to fit the fat jeans I ended up in last time. I'm having incredible cravings for Chinese/Thai/Indian food though and went to sleep dreaming about East One in Sheffield and the kedgeree that Wagamama do.

The worst thing for me at the moment is the worry that the treatment isn't doing anything. I can't see inside me, I have no sensation of the lump, I have no reference point to which I could measure any progress. So I sit, I surf the web and watch terrible telly and I wonder. I wonder about what the furball is doing and I hope that it's having a damn good kicking from the bags and bags of drugs they put into me. I wonder if I could reach in and pull the little furball out because to be honest I'd love it out of me now, I'm bored and fed up of being host to chemical warfare.

Any way winge over, we had great news yesterday. Jason's dad has been told he's in remission and has been given the all clear. It's news that cheers the soul to hear that someone has been through it, survived the treatment and is going to make a recovery is brilliant.

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