Monday, September 6, 2010
Down to back up.........
The rest of the week was an existence for me, I didn't want to swing from manically happy to manically sad so I tried to stay in the middle. I managed some success with that but I was almost too successful.
As we sat in bed drinking tea Wend asked how 'How did we get here? When we have nothing to say to each other?' I volunteered that it hadn't been a normal summer and that as we're together so much during the day we have few new topics of conversation. Wend asked where my smile had gone, why didn't I laugh anymore.
Then it happened, it all came out in a massive sob. All the negative thoughts and feelings I have, I hate being stabbed everyday for an injection to thin my blood, I hate going to the toilet as it hurts like bloody hell sometimes, I hate going to the hospital, I'm scared of what's next, I hate seeing the hurt in Wend's eyes when she looks at this ill baldy bloke lay next her, I hate feeling shit, I hate that the kids walk past me and go to Wend for an opinion on something, I hate being knackered after walking up stairs, I want to travel, I want to work, I want to be intimate with my wife, I hate having tubes sticking out of my chest, I hate that the bloody clips on the tubes (obviously designed by a bloke) have sharp corners which stick in my nipples when I move or am asleep, I want to ride my bike, I want to plan, I want a motorbike, I want my life back. I want my f*cking life back.
Any how my sobs didn't go unheard and all of a sudden there was a pile of crying Harts on the bed. I apologised to George as I am hard on her but I expect too much sometimes and I see how similar she is to me and I want to give her the shortcuts that took me so long to learn. We held each other like only a family who feels can, that tight desperate clinging that would hurt but the pain our hearts feel over rides it.
It seemed to be a very therapeutic crying session though because as the day went on my mood lifted, why I don't know but it did. It felt like a weight had been lifted, I didn't keep all the feelings in on purpose I just didn't want to voice them.
Bank Holiday Monday was going to be a joint party for little Lola, (my sister, Viv's second) and for George which Viv had very kindly organised. Unfortunately the snot fairy had been to Viv's house and delivered streaming candles and bogey bubbles to the kids. Definitely a no go zone for me. The girls had been wanting to go out on their bikes for ages now and so we called on the dynamic duo of ma n pa to see if they'd take us somewhere suitable.
Rother Valley country park is an old open cast pit on the outskirts of Sheffield, technically Rotherham, which although it doesn't sound attractive is a brilliant place to visit. Since the coal lot pulled out they flooded it and made it into part nature reserve and part watersports venue. They've landscaped it and over the years it's matured into a really nice place to go, so off we went!
Dad and I drank coffee and watched the dinghy's and the kayaks playing in the sun and Wend and mum took the girls round the main boating lake. It was heavenly, watching the world go by, the clacking of ropes on masts and the lapping of the water on the pontoon. A real change and a real lift.
That week was to be a great week, mostly. The CT scan on Tuesday required no nasty drink and no cannular and as a result it took five minutes instead of the usual hour and five. I felt great afterwards so got on the bus and went to meet mum in town. Feeling great I thought I'd look for a new telly, I'd seen one with 300 pounds knocked off so I thought I'd spend the money that people have collected for me from work (truly amazing and so touching it made me cry, shocking!). Walked in, the shop had one that had been delivered and then returned as the customer hadn't understood what they were buying, so the shop took it back and knocked a further 70 quid off it! Done, bought it, gone digital. I didn't want to go digital but we have done and now we have 99 channels of repeats and dross!