Monday, June 22, 2009

A down after an up

I guess it had to come, having been driving and being 'normal' for a couple of days the second dose of chemo kicked in and boy did I crash.

It wasn't that I felt worse than I have done before, physically it took it's toll similar to last time but mentally I wasn't prepared for it. Wendy and I had a phones off night on Friday, we love gettign calls but now and again it's good to turn everything off. Wendy had booked Juno a film about a 16 year old high school girl getting pregnant! Being honest it wouldn't have sold it to me but I'll try most things once so we settled down to what turned out to be a real tear jerker. It made me laugh and cry but mostly it was the crying that got me, I cried like I haven't done for ages. It wasn't the film it was the thought of what if, what if this doesn't work, what if I don't see my girls get married/have babies/graduate etc etc etc. I have too much to do for this not to work but if it doesn't..............

This cloud of doom stayed with me for most of Saturday, Dad and I took George climbing and she did really well, Carys had her first swimming lesson and went under water to fetch a ring. Normal things that should make me smile and laugh out loud but they just sat heavy on a troubled heart.

Dad offered to take us out on Sunday, fathers day, if we fancied it. At that moment in time I didn't feel like a dad, I felt like a passenger, a someone but no-one at the same time. Talking it over with Wend we asked Dad to take us up to Graves park.

The morning brought new light to my life. Two gorgeous girls with homemade cards and presents, giving me love and laughter with which I can grow strong on. Wendy made me breakfast in bed, american style pancakes with crispy bacon and maple syrup. I felt normal again, they reminded me who I am to them and who I should be to me too.

Graves park was lovely, we went round the animal enclosure and saw lots of animals pooing, just as Carys was walking by usually and so this caused exclamation and amusement. We went to the cafe and played rugby on the grass. I was knackered at the end but I was a dad again, in my head and my heart.

I love my family so much and it is them that this furball is hurting the most not me. Their hurt is the worst thing about this whole process and if I could turn off the hurt then I would.

1 comment:

  1. As much as you'll hate it, you need to give yourself permission to feel down and blue from time to time, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't. I believe that allowing those emotions to arise will help keep you mentally healthy and ready to face whatever may be thrown at you.
    Don't bottle it up!!
    Thinking of you and your lovely family.